Body Love

So, it’s been a while.

Life is crazy, my friends. I have a lot on my plate right now. But today as I was driving my daughters around (as per my usual Wed routine), I was feeling very pensive about this subject and realized how much I miss writing on my blog. I’m hoping this will be the start of my weekly posts again. Even if no one reads them, it’s good practice for me, and very cathartic.

It’s hard to find a place to start, so I’ll just go with it.

For the bulk of my life, I have mistreated, abused, ignored and hated my own body. I’ve starved it. I have gone without sleep, and loaded up on sugar and caffeine. I’ve neglected exercising, or I’ve pushed it too far and too much. I’ve binged on sweets and then forced myself to throw up. I’ve looked in the mirror sans clothing and said out loud how much I hate my body. Thinking about this now makes my heart hurt.

And speaking of hurting, I can’t help but wonder…

Is my Fibromyalgia a physical manifestation of all the pain I inflicted on myself over the years? {{And stay with me here, there’s a good conclusion at the end!}} Did I hurt myself too long that my body decided that it’s only ability was to feel pain? Am I saying this right? Let me ‘splain.

In my past therapist’s office, there was a saying on the wall. It simply read, “Hurt people hurt people.” I.e., people who are hurting are more likely to hurt others.

Is that what my body is doing? I hurt it for too long, and now it’s only ability is to hurt me back? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not thinking of my body as a separate entity with a mind and will of its own- revenging itself by inflicting pain on itself. <-Wow, what a sentence.

Despite all of that ^. Despite everything I put myself through, there was One who saw me, saw my body, saw what I was DOING to my body, and He still loved me, and my body. And He–very patiently–coaxed me, led me and helped me to finally stop hurting myself. He helped me learn to love myself.

It took time- YEARS- but it dawned on me today that I’m finally really trying to love myself and my body, and take care of it. I’ve been listening to it more, feeding it better, resting it. I’ve finally learned to say No to things and people when I’m feeling too overwhelmed, to save myself more pain and stress. I’ve learned to feed myself things that are GOOD for me and not just ones that taste good. I haven’t struggled with an eating disorder for almost 6 months now (for me, that’s good, ok?).

I think you see the point I am making, here.

But why do I make this point, you ask?

Any time I feel like I’ve made a success, or a triumph over something in life, I want to share it. Not because I’m the type to jump on a soapbox and scream-“Look at MEE, Look at MEEEEE!” (ok maybe I am like that sometimes…)

My real point is this– If I can do it, you can do it too. I’ve been low, friends. Like, cutting my arm low. How vulnerable can I make myself, here…

I sincerely hope that anything I write can do something to inspire someone else. Even a little bit–EVEN if it gives you the HOPE that things can be different, my heart grows three sizes just thinking about it. Start loving yourself. Love your body. It’s the only one you’re ever going to get, friends.

Again, If I can do it, I guarantee that YOU CAN DO IT TOO!

And who knows? Maybe if I continue loving this flawed, imperfect but amazing body of mine, maybe it can finally heal and start loving me back.